The dictum "Never talk politics or religion at the dinner table” goes as far back as the eighteen hundreds, was popularized by Ms. Manners in the 1950s, and then immortalized a decade later by the Peanuts comic strip, with one caveat added by the philosophical Linus to the list of topics that one should not discuss in polite conversation – “the Great Pumpkin.”
The Great Pumpkin and religion aside, talking politics still very much remains a hot topic of conversation not only at the dinner table but has also spilled over to the Internet and other mass media outlets. With the proliferation of do-it-yourself website builders, social networks and blogs, any person with even the most basic technological capability can take his or her discourse from the dinner table to the masses in the blink of an eye.
This explosion of opportunities for the average citizen to expound on political issues to a mass audience has been hailed by many as a huge democratic advancement and the internet has been championed as the great technological leveler of our day, providing anyone, anywhere, at anytime the ability to opine without oversight from an editorial board or having to prove one’s journalistic credentials. Add to that, the proliferation of political talk shows on cable TV and radio and it is safe to conclude that politics has become the topic of our time.
But has all this opportunity to share our political opinions and engage with those of others led to improved political discourse? Even the most cursory glance at our own social network feeds will cause most of us to conclude that more mass opportunities to express one’s political opinion has not led to heightened abilities to discuss politics in a civil and enlightened manner.
This brings me back to the dinner table, where most family conversations about politics take place. The ubiquity of brash, snarky, or offensive political discourse in the larger society might make some parents want to shy away from such conversation with their children in their own home. Conversely, emboldened by today’s role models of political discourse, other parents may pattern their own conversational style after such heavyweight commentators as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity or such satirical wits as Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. But avoidance and replication need not be the only two options parents have when it comes to talking politics with their children, especially their teens, whose burgeoning political interests beg for productive outlets.
Following a few careful strategies when discussing politics with teenagers and tweens, parents can turn such discussions into excellent opportunities to counter the negativity of today’s political discourse, to help their teens develop critical thinking capabilities, and to build rapport and trust with their teens, even if parents and teens don’t see eye to eye politically.
First, lay back. If you want to encourage your teens to share their thoughts on politics, you need to share less of yours. This may sound counter-intuitive. Some parents assume that the way to encourage the political acumen of their teen is to demonstrate their own. But the purpose of conversing with your teen about politics should be about helping them develop their ideas, not to cement yours into their minds. Remember, as their parent, your job is to mentor their budding intellectual capabilities, not eclipse those with a demonstrating of yours. If talking politics in your home means your doing most of the talking, then you're doing something wrong.
Another way in which parents need to lay back when it comes to talking politics with teens is to watch their commentary style. Rapid-fire analysis while watching the debates can leave a teen's head spinning, trying to follow yours AND the candidates' ideas. And sarcastic harpooning of disfavored candidates can send a message to your teen that lest they agree with your perspective, they too might be skewed with the same satirical spear.
So what does a parent do then to encourage their child’s thoughtful expression of political ideas? The answer to this question leads me to my second strategy: mentor and role model effective critical thinking. There's more to political discourse than discussing the candidates one likes and dislikes. The entire political system provides appropriate fodder for elevating political discourse. Michael, a father of two teenagers and a life-long Republican, encourages his teens to use search engines to learn more about the democratic process. When his children were younger, he would encourage them to research the ancient Greek system of politics and make comparisons to our modern system. As they got older and could handle more nuanced topics, he encouraged them to learn about the Electoral College; then he would solicit their opinions about the process. Not surprising, political conversations at Michael's dinner table, and conversations about almost any popular news story for that matter, are always marked by a polite, tempered and thoughtful tone, with his children having plenty of space and time to express their thoughts, as he listens patiently, asking questions to encourage them to clarify their thoughts.
The final strategy for raising the civility of political discourse in your own home is to remember that your real role as a parent is to raise confident, self-reliant adults. And that does not mean turning your teen into your mini-me. Let your teens have their own thoughts without the urge to change them. Democrats Phil and Maureen were a bit bemused when their son Phillip Junior came home from his first semester at Harvard espousing the political principles of Libertarianism. Not only had Phil and Maureen known very little about this political ideology, but also what they did know seemed in direct contrast to their cherished beliefs as Democrats. But instead of deriding Philip for disagreeing with their politics and trying to turn him away from his newfound political position, Maureen and Phil behaved more like college students themselves, with piqued interest and curious questions each time Phil Junior expounded on the virtues of libertarianism. And no doubt Philip's self-confidence grew as he played the role of political science professor for his parents.
Parents, do like Michael, Maureen and Phil did: lay back when it comes to sharing your own political views (trust me, your teen is more than aware of what those are), encourage your child to learn more about the political process, and let your child have their own political thoughts and opinions. Save your political proselytizing for the neighborhood-canvassing route; in your home, focus on creating an intellectually engaging, non-threatening environment. Doing so will not only develop your child’s political confidence but also contribute to creating a more civil society by producing young people who can engage in political discourse in an informed, thoughtful and respectful manner whether sharing their thoughts online or at the dinner table. Now wouldn’t that please Ms. Manners?
- Donna Risolo, author of Teen Talk: Dr. Donna’s Guide to Building Rapport and Trust with Your Teenager