One of the biggest mistakes that parents of teenagers can make is assuming that a teen is ready to hear things that they simply are not ready for. What are these “things” I speak of? Conversations about adult life that you may think your teen is ready to understand, but, if not approached the right way, such information can actually be harmful and confusing to your teen. I am going to reverse an old adage: if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a duck. Well, when it comes to teenagers, the opposite actually holds true: just because your teen walks like an adult and talks like an adult does not mean that your teen is an adult.
To that end, it is a huge mistake to share too much of your personal life with your teenager. What do I mean by your personal life: details regarding the relationship you have with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, lovers, your sex life, your sexual history, your friendships, your relationship with your parents, your relationship with your boss or co-workers, your addictions, your alcohol consumption, your drug use, etc. Get the picture? Your teenager is not your friend. Unless you are referencing one of the above topics for illustrative purposes only to teach your child a lesson, you should refrain from sharing personal information with your teen. Far too many parents today make this mistake either out of an immature need for attention and support from their teen, or because they mistakenly assume that sharing their personal life experiences with their teen will help bring them closer or teach them important life lessons.
Confiding in your teen about your relationship with your spouse, or seeking your teen’s advise about your dating woes, or gossiping with your teen about another family member will not build authentic rapport and trust with your teen, and most assuredly will not be healthy for your teen’s development into adulthood. Oh sure, your daughter may play along with you, as it makes her feel mature and special when you tell her about the adult details of your life. But you are also burdening your teen with your problems, which causes her to lose trust in you, because she’s not sure if you’re supposed to be there for her, or she’s supposed to be there for you. The parent-child roles have been reversed, and your child will start to adjust her behavior to suit your needs. Your teen will expect less and less from you, which diminishes her trust in you as her parent, and instead she will more and more conform to the role you have asked her to play – confidante and friend.
Additionally, your teen will not only have access to information that she is not mature enough to truly comprehend, but she now feels entrusted with the responsibility of guiding you through the maize of your personal life. She will mistakenly begin to think that perhaps she is wiser than her years; such thinking will cause her to take risks in her own personal life, such as dating older boys or young men, because after all, her parent treats her like an adult, surely it’s time to start acting like one. As her false confidence in her supposed maturity grows, she loses the precious time she needs to be an adolescent, to grow slowly into adulthood. And who’s fault is all this? Yours, because out of either your selfishness or a mistaken understanding of what it means to build rapport and trust with your teen, you have turned your child into your very own companion and confidante.
Let me emphasize that the purpose of building rapport and trust with your teen is not to benefit YOUR need to have an in-house best friend and therapist, but to benefit your child’s need for the consistent support of a mature parent who will help him or her navigate their way through adolescence. When you turn your teen into your best friend, you are no longer the support system; your child has become yours, and in the process, you have robbed your child of the precious experience of adolescence.