In my last post I talked about the importance of parents accepting that “teen love is real love.” All that being said, your teen is still a child, growing slowing into adulthood; as such, he or she still needs your guidance when it comes to relationships, especially in the area of setting healthy boundaries.
Stacey is a mom who knows how to show respectful empathy toward the relationships her teenage boys have, while also setting limitations around those relationships. When the boys started having girlfriends in high school, Stacey behaved very matter of fact about it, while also acting as a supportive mentor when necessary. Balance was a key word that Stacey used when setting limitations around how much time her boys spent with their girlfriends. Just like she didn’t let her boys spend all weekend working, or all weekend playing sports, or all weekend doing homework, they were not allowed to spend all weekend with their girlfriends.
“I simply told them, ‘you should spend no more time with your girlfriend, than you do at your job.’ I never let them work more than twelve hours a week working during the school year, so they were encouraged not to spend anymore than twelve hours a week with their girlfriends. It wasn’t a hard and fast rule, but a suggestion, which they followed most of the time.”
By teaching her sons to set limitations around time spent with their girlfriends and likening those limitations to the same ones she already had set up for working, Stacey is not only teaching her boys how to manage their time well and prioritize themselves over others, but she is doing so without putting down teenage relationships or criticizing girlfriends.
However, there are times when a parent may need to intervene when their teen gets caught up in a challenging relationship. Again, Stacey exemplifies how we should handle these situations with delicacy so as not to alienate our teens. Connor, Stacey’s oldest son was dating Sophie, a girl who was quite demanding. Sophie texted Connor constantly throughout the day and would hassle him when he spent time with his friends or family instead of her. Stacey was very concerned about the pressure her son was starting to feel. Connor was a sensitive young man who would never intentionally hurt a girl’s feelings. As such, he easily could be guilted into thinking he was doing something wrong, when he was simply spending time with friends or family.
Instead of attacking the girlfriend, Stacey shared with her son her own experiences with a demanding boyfriend when she was a teenager. “I told Connor that my high school boyfriend used to do the same thing to me. He always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was wearing. As I told Connor, it wasn’t until I read an article in a magazine about abusive relationships that I was able to recognize that my boyfriend’s controlling behavior was a form of abuse. I knew I had to start standing up to him before things got worse.”
Acting as a mentor by using her own experiences as an example, Stacey was able to get her message across to Connor about his relationship with Sophie, all without actually attacking Sophie or telling Connor what to do. Like Stacey, if you treat your teen’s relationship with respectful empathy and come from the place of a mentor, your teen will seek you out for council and support when the relationship becomes too challenging to handle or he or she is struggling with a difficult choice to make.
In summary: 1. Set limitations around the time your teen spends with boyfriends/girlfriends; liken those boundaries to other ways in which healthy people set boundaries and manage their time. 2. Use stories from your own experiences (make them up if you have to!) to impart lessons and guidance. This is a very powerfully effective way to guide teens without lecturing or micromanaging. Your teen will be fascinated to hear about your own experiences with relationships and relationship challenges and will view you as a helpful mentor, not a meddling parent. 3. Avoid directly talking about or attacking your teen’s girlfriend or boyfriend.
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