It is natural as a child grows into a teenager that he or she will push back on the boundaries that their parents have set for them. After all, it is a teenager’s job to push the limits in order to grow out of childhood into adulthood. And it is natural for a parent of teens to want to still hold tight to some of those boundaries in order to ensure the safe passage from childhood to adulthood. So how does a parent walk that tightrope between loosening the boundaries on their teens so they can test out their capabilities on their own, while still maintaining adult authority? Assume the role of the mentor.
The parent-child dynamic shifts greatly as a teenager matures into an adult. The old ways of parental behavior just don’t work with a teenager. So parents flounder about, shifting between roles: boss, friend, therapist, none of which work for very long with a teenager. The boss role is a lose-lose situation for both of you. First of all, your teen is just not going to have it. Even if he or she does comply with your demands, they will resent you for being too controlling.
The friend role is seemingly a win for your teenager, because you are playing the “cool” friend, allowing girlfriends/boyfriends to spend the night, being permissive about alcohol consumption, and agreeing with your teen even when he or she is wrong. However, this role almost always backfires on the parent, who becomes frustrated when the teens are out of control, ruling the house and not willing to reciprocate in a friend-like fashion when the parent wants the teens to do something, like clean up their room, bring up their grades, pay for gas for the car.
And then there is the therapist role – the objective sounding board with endless patience, listening with full attention but never offering any perspective at all. When a parent plays therapist, with an endless stream of “what do you think?” and “what do you want to do?” questions, the teen is given way too much freedom to make their own choices without much of a context in which to make good choices, since most teens don’t have enough life experience to understand the consequences of various courses of action.
Instead, the best role for a parent of a teenager to play is that of the mentor. I’m sure you have heard a lot about mentoring and many of you have had people in your professional or personal lives you consider to be your mentors. Additionally, you may be a mentor to others. But have you ever stopped to think about what a mentor is and why this role is perfect for the parent-teen relationship? A good mentor has two key characteristics: empathy and prior experience. A mentor is someone who has been down the same road that you are about to traverse. They know all of its twist and turns, highs and lows, and bumps along the way. Because they have travelled the same road you are about to travel, they can guide you along your way so that your passage is a safe and successful one. They are understanding, not judgmental, of your challenges, because they too have faced those challenges. But a mentor does not steer the wheel, rather they stand back and let you be in charge, offering guidance when you are clearly about to hit a pot hole or support when you reach out for it. The best mentors are those who lend a helping hand, not a heavy hand. In so doing, you trust your mentor to be there for you when you need them but not to dominate your every move.
Now let’s apply the features of a mentoring relationship to your relationship with your teen. You the parent are the perfect mentor for your teen: you too were once a teenager. You are more than aware of the pitfalls your teen is about to face, as you faced similar ones yourself. When these difficulties arise for your teen, you, acting as a mentor, will help your teen brainstorm ways to tackle them, and when your teen is clearly at a loss, you may even offer direct suggestions.
So when it comes to parenting teens, don’t play friend by agreeing with everything your teens say and do; nor should you remain too aloof and objective like a therapist, letting teens figure it out all on their own. And please don’t take over the driver’s seat like you are the boss. Be a mentor, and you will still maintain your role as the number one authority figure in your teens' lives while giving them the space they need to gradually learn how to traverse the highway of adulthood on their own.
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